Why ‘dump him’ is the feminist phrase we should all consider this Valentine's Day

This year, women and femmes should feel encouraged to take ownership of their desires without feeling obligated to stay in draining relationships for the sake of avoiding singledom

The phrase ‘dump him’ can be found almost everywhere these days (Getty/iStock)

When Britney Spears sported her infamous “dump him” shirt in 2002, she probably didn’t envisage the knock-off versions that would flood the internet for the almost two decades that followed.

Back then, the break-up of the singer and Justin Timberlake was on the front page of every reputable tabloid. Granted, the shirt may have simply been a ploy to throw shade at Timberlake while simultaneously buying herself more time in the limelight, but despite Britney’s dubious intentions, the slogan became the poster child for a feminist movement we should all at least consider taking on board.

The term’s resurgence online probably stems from the fact that women and other marginalised genders have an increasing desire for independence and equality. Campaigns such as #MeToo have given birth to smaller ones – such as taking control in the workplace, or being heard at home – that have autonomy as the main focus.

As a result, the phrase “dump him” can be found almost everywhere these days: in most comment sections of any given woman’s heartfelt rant about her trash boyfriend on social media, or in the form of advice from a new age of relationship gurus who’ve embraced singledom as one of their mantras. Chidera ‘The Slumflower’ Eggerue, women’s rights activist and author of What A Time To Be Alone, wrote the phrase 23 times in a single tweet on Monday.

But, while some may misinterpret the phrase as a dig against men, it is actually rooted in the idea that a woman’s worth is tied to more than just the partner they have. For a long time, women have been pressured to aim for a family and kids to feel complete; while happily single women are seen as problematic.

“Dump him” isn’t just a call to action for heterosexual women either, it’s an attitude, intended to encourage women and femmes, regardless of their sexuality, to take ownership of their wants and desires, without feeling obligated to stay in draining relationships for the sake of avoiding singledom, even this close to Valentine’s Day.

Last year, Jennifer Aniston made headlines when she addressed the longstanding “poor Jen, why can’t she keep a man?” narrative that resurfaced after every relationship split she had. “First, with all due respect, I’m not heartbroken. And second, those are reckless assumptions,” she told InStyle. Though money shouldn’t be the litmus test of someone’s value, Anniston’s acting career has seen her become one of the richest female entertainers in America, there’s nothing “poor” about that.

Anniston is right though, it is problematic. What “poor Jen” does suggest is that the former Friends actor is better off in an unhappy relationship than alone, a trap many women find themselves stuck in, and the reason why change is needed.

Last year, Canadian journalist Kelli María Korducki released a book called Hard To Do: The Surprising, Feminist History of Breaking Up. In it, she talks about how marginalised genders struggle to leave unfulfilling relationships if they are unable to conjure up “a good reason”. Korducki emphasises that this should not be the case, women and femmes can leave a “stable and decent partner”, simply because they are no longer in love and there should be no shame in that.

Women’s roles in society have also changed, and the need for traditional relationship security is diminishing. In comparison to older generations such as the Silent Generation, millennial women are prioritising education and their careers over marriage.

Last year, the Office for National Statistics found that marriages between men and women dropped to a record low between 2014 and 2015, while marriage rates for men and women under 20 since 2005 have dropped by 56 per cent and 66 per cent respectively.

In America, a report by the US Department of Commerce found that the number of women deciding to be “homemakers” after marriage in the past 40 years has reduced from 43 per cent to 14 per cent in 2016. Marriage is also at a record low with the number of currently married adults, age 18 to 64, at only 48.6 percent in the US. In 2010, it was more than half.

It’s clear that the financial security that comes with a career these days has reduced the likelihood of women feeling pressured to remain trapped in loveless relationships for the sake of not ending up destitute. As journalist Korducki said recently in an interview: “Financial independence continues to be the cornerstone of our ability as women and people of marginalised gender identities to have any choices at all.”

But “dump him” is not just about “safe” men, it’s about toxic relationships. In a crime survey for England and Wales last March, 72.6 per cent of reported abuse of female victims was emotional or financial – as a result, these women face issues with health, self-esteem, depression and anxiety.

Of course, it is easier said than done to end a relationship that makes a person feel as if they could never do better, or ​leave a partner that makes them doubt whether their concerns are justified, or even sane. But “dump him”, may just be the phrase they need to push them to find the adequate help to successfully leave.

Don’t get me wrong, relationships can be happy, fulfilling and exuberant. Nobody is saying there’s anything wrong with being in one. But “dump him” is more than just leaving a partnership for the sake of it – it’s about giving women the power to get out of them without fear of the stigma that usually comes with being single.

If every women took a moment to think about the relationship they’re in, some may realise that their happiness has been severely compromised. So, during the most loved-up time of year, comes an opportunity for reflection. Look your partner in the eyes and ask yourself why you’re really in that relationship – and if the answers are all negative, it may be time to consider whether it’s your turn to “dump him”.